User Friendly
by TheUnknownblur
Summary: Bender messes with his medication and finds himself in an odd place.
1. Chapter 1

"Why do we always have to keep the window open Bender?" Asked Fry, crossing his arms to stay warm from the cool night breeze.

"Cause, it gets warm in here during the summer time." Replied Bender.

Fry put on a face of annoyance, "But it's October!"

"Shut up you big baby, it's not like your gonna get sick and die." Said Bender.

"But, it's not that I'm worried about, Bender. Don't you remember the radioactive owls that have been roaming the streets at night?" Said Fry.

Bender stuck his head out of the window and saw the night owls…but these weren't ordinary night owls. They had fangs sticking out of their beaks, their wings were green and scaly, plus they were breathing fire.

Bender sighed, he walked towards the couch and reached underneath it, grabbing a window screen. He then placed it on the windowsill.

"There, happy? Now good night." Bender said, heading off to his "room".

"But Bender…ugh! Fine, but you aren't getting any of my sunflower seeds!" Said Fry, he picked a sunflower seed from his pocket and flung it in Benders direction then walked into his room, but knowing Fry, he missed and it hit the floor.

"Whiney little baby," Bender mumbled to himself, "stupid humans and their…..human bodies. Lucky I'm a robot so I can never get sick."

His bedroom door opened, he entered his room and the door closed. But it didn't close all the way. Fry's sesame seed had prevented the door from shutting all the way down, leaving a nice small crack.

The air became cooler over the night, and with the window open, the apartment was just as cool. The breeze slowly crept through living room and closer and closer to Benders room. It seeped through the crack and wrapped around Bender like a blanket.

Bender found himself in the PE examination room the next morning, looking a whitish grey. He was groaning and holding his lower abdomen, coughing up oil. Fry and Leela were there with him.

Zoidberg took his magnifying glass and was observing parts of Bender's body at random.

"Hmmmmm….." Zoidberg said, stroking his tentacles with his claws.

"So Dr. Zoidberg, what should I do?" Asked bender.

"I would suggest you see a doctor." Proclaimed Dr.Zoidberg.

"But, you are a doctor." said Fry.

Zoidberg chuckled and placed his claws on his head, "Oh, ho ho ho, I forgot! Well then, I suggest you go to a pharmacy and prescribe some medication, your processors are very cold…I suggest getting prespirising H to heat those up."

"The pharmacy? Woohoo! I can put my head through the blood pressure test squeezer ma-thing and get all light headed and start seeing those weird colours again." said Fry, "but just one question, when did they start giving medication at a pharmacy for robots?"

Usually, somebody would have a very logical answer to any of Fry's question about the future, but this was one of those times where it didn't make any sense to them either. So they just looked at Fry and shrugged.

A few minutes later, they arrived at a pharmacy. Fry found a Blood pressure test machine and put his head through the armrest, and then pressed, "go". Leela went to look for some "female items" and Bender walked up to the medication counter.

In front of him was the head of Christopher Walken, who was yelling angrily at the Pharmacist.

The woman across the counter sighed, "We know you need more cowbell, Mr. Walken." she replied.

A man walked up to the jar and carried the celebrity away. Bender was next and walked towards the counter. He slipped her the note that Zoidberg had written, and his handwritting made words...a little off.

She squinted her eyes, "Salami splitzers?"

Leela walked towards the counter, "I think its 'prespirizing H'." she said.

The pharmacist nodded and then reached under the counter, "Okay then, you must take 2 of these tablets a day."

The woman pulled out a very large package…almost the size of a large cargo crate. Bender observed it for a few minutes then pointed on the lower left corner of the box.

"This is children's medicine," he said.

The pharmacist looked down, "Oh right," she turned around, "Ed! Bring in the fork lift!"

Bender, Leela and Fry (who's face was now purple) entered the PE conference room with an extremely large box. The three carefully dropped the mass item onto the ground. Bender opened one of the sides with a crowbar and pulled out a long piece of a red hot metallic material. He bent it into a very small square and threw it down his throat.

"Ow, ow! Hot hot hot!" he waved his arms in the air until it cooled down, "Now to wash this stuff down," he said, he pulled out a bottle of beer and opened it.

"Wait Bender!" shouted Leela, "You shouldn't take medication with alcohol!"

Bender looked at her, "Pfft, what's gonna happen to me? Am I gonna get a heart attack or something? oooh I'm so scared!"

"Yeah Leela!" said Fry, "Listen to him."

Bender chugged down all of the beer in one gulp and threw the bottle away. He sighed in relief and sat down. But a strange feeling came over him. He started getting twitchy and shaky, and the area that was his chest started to smoke up.

"Ow! What's happening with me?!" Screamed the robot, his body was going out of control. His square pupils turned to x's and he fell on his back. Sparks were shooting from his armpits and limbs. His metal visors came down and covered his eyes, and he slowly turned off.

Everyone in the conference room went silent, and just stared down at the malfunctioning robot. Shocked by how subtle that was.

Bender opened his eyes and screamed; he didn't know what was going on, or what just happened. His five o'clock rust was covering his mouth. He looked at his arms…….he was his normal colour grey.

"Phew, I'm back to my sexy coloured self!" He said relieved.

Bender look up and jumped back in shock…..there was a robot standing right in front of him.

Bender pointed at the being, "Who the hell are you?"

"I'm………you." Replied the robot.

Bender closed his eyes and fainted.

* * *

A/N: So yeah, a quick intro to my nextest fic. I'll try to update this week.


	2. Waking up

Bender slowly opened his eyes, his vision a little blurry

Bender slowly opened his eyes, his vision a little blurry. He could feel something smack the side of his face but couldn't see it clearly. After a few more minutes of this, he finally swung his arms in the air to make it stop. He rolled on his front side and got onto his feet. He rubbed his head and groaned. His vision now clear, he could finally see where he was. The place was very foggy and white, almost blinding to his eyes.

"This place is almost as foggy as a hooters bar," he said to himself. He turned around and jumped; now remembering what caused him to faint.

"Who the hell are you and why the hell should I care?" screamed Bender, pointing at the other Bender.

His other self sighed, "I'm a personification of your kinder self, dumbass."

Bender pondered for a second, "I have a kinder part of me?"

"Yes you do, you just refused to show me around." Replied the kinder Bender.

The normal Bender scratched his head, "So…that makes me…"

"The meaner one." Said the kinder Bender.

"That doesn't make as much sense as it should...maybe I should drink less whisky during the week..."

"Oh, isn't that like you to be boozing on alcohol that doesn't work well with your processing unit, so juvenile. " Said the kinder Bender.

"Pffft, whatever! Who needs you, kinder me? All the ladies love the personality and charm of the mean, cool Bender."

The kinder Bender put his hands on his hips and glared, "Oh yeah? Well where do you think that charm comes from?"

Bender pointed up towards his antenna, "Up here babeh!"

The kinder Bender sighed again, "Just come with me."

The kinder Bender walked forward a few steps, he knocked against something and then a wooden door magically appeared. He opened it, and it showed a room that looked like deep space.

"This is the gateway to your mind." Said the Kinder Bender, "It would be a great idea for you to enter it."

The normal Bender looked uneasy, "I dunno, I haven't been in there since college…"

The kinder Bender pointed to the ground, "Oh, is that a celebrity's underwear? Seems valuable…"

The normal Bender reached for the ground in a split second, looking around at first, but then realized nothing was there. It was too late for him, however. As he was looking, the Kinder Bender ran behind him and booted him through the door.

"Good luck finding yourself, jackass!" Yelled the Kinder Bender.

* * *

Meanwhile, everyone in the PE conference room gathered around the body of Bender, all with mournful looks. All except Fry who was bashing the metallic corpse around.

"Bender, Bender! Stop playing around! Wake up, damn you, wake up!" He shouted. Fry pushed down on his chest and tried to do CPR on the fallen robot, which was sadly yet obviously ineffective. After punching his chest a few more times, he decided to stop since his knuckles were hurting.

Leela walked towards the distressful man and placed her hand on his shoulder, "Relax Fry, I'm sure it's just a malfunction."

Fry pushed away her hand, "A malfunction? A malfunction! There's nothing wrong with him at all, he's just passed out like he was at Mardi gras. And would you stop using these robotic terms, you're making him sound like he's some kind of…robot."

Before anyone could say anything, the Professor butted in, "Oh, stop balling you baby. Do you keep forgetting that I am a scientist? I could rebuild him…I have the technology…. oh yes. Make him faster, stronger and with laser beams in his eyes and make him have the ability to fart nuclear explosions. Too the lab!"

* * *

Bender was still falling down; it seemed like hours since his kinder self booted him through the doorway. He finally gave up screaming after a few hours, and started to light a cigar and open a bottle of booze at the same time. He took a few puffs of his cigarette and a chug of his beer when suddenly; out of nowhere something grabbed him causing him to drop his smokes and his booze.

"What the hell?" he yelled.


	3. Chapter 3

Bender was falling at the speed of sound. Panic obviously ensued.

"Oh no! How am I going to survive without my liquor?" he wailed, "Oh god, if this is dream; or so I believe it is, gets any worse it's going to be a nightmare!"

His screaming didn't last for long when it-whatever it is- gently set him down onto an unseen floor. Bender landed with a small **clank** and scratched his behind.

"Damn whiplash…" he said softly, "Man, you can't even get any descent service in unknown, life threatening areas like this."

He stood up and looked around the area. He extended his eyeballs to see if he could get a clear sight, but he had failed. He closed his visor and activated a visual options menu. There were five options listed, infrared, x-ray, night vision, beer goggles and porno seeking. He disagreed with those options, and decided it was best to walk. After a few hours of useless travel, he had spotted something. Just up ahead stood a desktop computer. He pondered, and then walked towards it.

He turned on the computer and waited for the loading screen, "Wonder if this will be the nightmare part?"

The screen finally loaded and showed the word "Vista".

"Yep."

There rose a scream that could be heard from miles away.

* * *

The Planet Express crew gathered around a malfunctioned Bender. Hermes and Zoidberg were poking at Bender with a stick for some strange reason. Fry was looking very unnerving.

"Professor, we've been poking him with the emergency poking stick for three hours now. You think we should try a different solution?" asked Hermes.

"Hmm…" the professor pondered, "Well, if the poking stick did not work, then nothing else will! It's medically impossible! I'm afraid there's nothing more to do than let him die, horribly and painfully, and then use his body as a container to hold my pens. Did I mention that he will die horribly and painfully?"

Fry's eyes widened right open. He turned to the professor and ran towards him. He grabbed Farnsworth by the shoulders and shook him violently.

"Horse-bull! There's gotta be another solution to this! We can't just let him die here." He screamed, frantically.

The professor brushed Fry off and collected himself, "Of course there is, it's not like it's medically impossible! The question is why do you want him to live?"

"Because he's my best friend in the world."

The professor stared at him blankly for a moment, "Wha?"

Everyone was now inside the medical room. Hermes and Zoidberg were putting the emergency poking sticks away, while Amy, Leela and Fry stood around the unconscious Bender. Farnsworth was busy putting on rubber gloves and a ridiculously over sized pair of goggles.

"All right, we'll just take a peek at…whoever this is," said the professor, "First, we'll test his artificial nervous reactive systems."

The professor pulled out a fairly small yet colourful tazer. With it, he quickly zapped Benders leg. In an instant reaction, Bender flipped his leg up and smacked Fry in the face. Fry hit the ground hard.

"Ow!"

He got back up and scratched his head, "That seems to be working fine." He said.

"Alright, now it is time to test his offline targeting system." Said the professor.

Hermes handed a small screwdriver to the Professor and with it managed to get Bender's right arm functional. The arm slowly began to rise and instantly hitting Fry in the face. He tumbled to the floor.

He slowly stood up, this time in a weaker stance, "It's…good…" he coughed.

The professor nodded, "Next thing we will test is Bender's defence system. Which is a new flaming projectile unit I've added a few moments ago!"

Fry groaned.

Meanwhile, Bender had continued screaming as the page was still loading up. He was this fearful of the technology that he was actually huddling in fear next to the computer. He was humming an old folk song and holding the keyboard very tightly.

He looked down onto the keyboard, "Listen buddy, I'm just as uncomfortable as you are…"

Before he could finish, a little jingle was heard through the speakers. He jumped to his feet and took a look at the screen.

Bender screamed at the computer monitor, "Stop staring at me, you pervert!"

There was nothing on the computer screen but an icon that was shaped as a dollar sign. Under it, read "Memory bank". Out of curiosity, Bender clicked on it.

A very large portal opened in front of him. Bender screamed and took cover. The unknown portal sucked the computer away in a split second, and was pulling Bender in as well. He dug his metallic claws into the ground, but it did not mater, for he was sucked in as well.

Bender was yet again drifting into nothing. His arms and legs scrambling, he screamed as loud as he could as the vortex sucked him in.

A blinding bright light blocked the view from his eyes. He didn't seem to care, having the fear distracting him from what was really going on. The withdrawal from the booze was a main contributor as well. He closed his visor and opened it again causing his vision to come back slightly. The room was very large and in front of him sit a sea of small robots, each of them gazing in his direction.

"Where the hell am I now?" he muttered.

He looked around the area, and noticed that he was standing on a stage. Bright lights glowed upon him from above. He looked down and noticed that he was much shorter, and wearing a green vest.

It was his Elementary school uniform which was a bit basic even bland compared to other robot-human schools. It didn't matter much in the first place, since the school was not real in a physical form, but it was an interactive simulated schooling system that his parents' could barely afford. Although he couldn't remember much from this time in his life, he was slowly starting to remember this day in particular.

"Oh no…not this again!" he said, worryingly.

The intercoms squeaked as a voice sputtered out of the speakers, "Welcome every-uni-bot to the computer communication spelling competition! I hope you rotten childr-I mean, students have enjoyed this freak show-ahem-talent show long enough to, _at last,_ watch our finalist, Bender Bending Rodriguez!"

Bender started to get anxious, _Aw crap not this again! Please, please not this again!_

In front of the stage there was a wooden desk, and behind it stood three judges. One a fembot, the other a large robot and the third one a small, malfunctioning robot. On the desk there was a microphone and a ludicrously large pile of papers.

The largest bot leaned against the desk and towards the microphone, "Alright Bender, you must copy and paste this question properly if you want to achieve the 'Best copy and patser's award GIF.'

I am beginning the transmission now."

The robot held a piece of paper and began to give Bender his number, "One, one, zero, zero, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one, one, one, one, zero, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, zero, zero, one, one, one, zero, one, zero, one, one, one, zero, zero, one, one, zero."

Bender couldn't move, the eyes that gaze upon him from him on the spot. He knew that if he didn't complete this, he would never hear the end of it. After all, he did bet 30 bucks that he would win first place. He thought it was a good idea at the time, but now it seemed near impossible to do. His bet was not the only thing on the line, but so was his social life. He had to say something.

"Uhh…two?"

The Malfunctioning judge exploded.

The crowd laughed in a hypnotic tone, all thinking how much of a failure he was. Bender hung his arms down in defeat and exhaustion.

His vision was fogging up again and soon the laughing, mocking crowd disappeared into the light. This time an image of a suicide booth appeared. Knowing its daily traffic, there was a line up. In the line there were many poor, sad and broken spirits slowly walking closer to their fate. At the end of the line was the one, the only Bender.

Man, the one-day I decide to kill myself, and there's a godforsaken line! I wish this idiot in the red coat would move faster.

The man in front of him jerked his head and gasped, "Whoa, a real life robot!" he turned around and looked at Bender closely, "Or is that some kind of cheesy New Years costume?"

_What did that jackass say to me?!_

"Bite my shiny metal ass." He simply replied.

"It doesn't look so shiny to me." The man replied.

"Shinier than yours, meatbag."

The man turned around and walked forward as the line moved up ahead. The man in the red coat whistled as he waited for his turn. A flash flickered from the edges of the doors, and shortly after, the booth was open again. Being as clueless as he seemed to be, the man entered. There was a screen monitor and a big red button on the top of it. To the upper right, there was a coin slot. The man pushed the button but nothing happened. He pushed the button twice and waited. Again, nothing happened. Getting frustrated, he pressed the button a few more times.

_Jesus, what is that guy doing?_ _Taking up my precious final moments of life, will he?_

Getting annoyed, Bender walked into the booth, "Listen buddy, I'm in a hurry here, let's try for a twofer…"

The bright like flashed, everything turned into a cycling whirlwind, it got faster and faster and faster, until suddenly stopping. The image was now over icy mountains, far up North near the Arctic. On top one of the mountains stood an observational post. Fry, Leela and Bender stood in front of a closed door. Yelps and cries for help can be heard from the other side.

"Stand back meaty companions! Bender can overthrow this obstacle!"

Bender punched a hole through the door, and then gripped the opening with both of his hands and in one move, managed to tear the door apart.

The three men jumped out of the door and kissed Bender beneath his feet. Leela rolled her eye.

"Okay, I have a frozen dinner waiting for me in my freezer. I'm sure you enjoy their worshipping of you, but we have to get going. Come on Bender!" Leela demanded.

Bender sighed angrily, "Alright Leela, sheesh. Just a few more minutes of deity."

"We'll wait for you on the mule, Bender," Fry said with a giant grin on his face, "It's good to see you back home."

Fry exited the room with Leela, and at the same moment the monks stood to their feet.

"We three monks thank you for our rescue from your…friends…and for that, you have our gratitude," The leader of the three said, "I think you should feel gratitude towards your orange haired friend. He spent days searching for you with our holy distance viewing device."

Bender looked at him blankly, "Isn't that a telescope?"

The monk sighed, "Everyone seems to ruin that moment."

Bender's vision soon went dark.

"…Who, wha? What the hell is going on here? Why can't I see anything?"

A voice called to him, "That's because you have to open your mind, you idiot!"

Bender growled, "I recognize that voice!"

A light switch was flickered. Instead of a flashback of his previous adventures he was bolted onto a chair. He was in a small, dark and dingy room. There was a lamp on the table that gave off an eerie glow.

"I know you do, you rust bucket," it said. Bender could hear a cigar being lit in the dark room, but unfortunately could not see the person smoking it, "And that's why you're here."

Its head moved close to the lamp, making it clear to whom Bender was talking to.

He sighed, "Aw crap."


End file.
